Glucose Guardian

Hey, so I’m Rachel and I’m a girl. Cool? Cool! And you are (insert name) and you’re a (insert whatever here). Ah, righteous. Glad we got that out of the way…

But in all seriousness I never realized how uncomfortable and angry many groups of people are when it comes to nonconforming genders. Is it really that challenging to simply accept and continuing living when someone mentions that they prefer they/their pronouns as opposed to he/him or she/her? Oh Lord, they be tryin’a get rid of the binaries that been round forever! Well, no. We’re just trying to include all people without forcing them to be what society decides.

It’s simple, really. I’m a female and wish to be addressed as such, however, that doesn’t mean that the being next to me is in the same boat. We may dress the same, look the same, smell the same, and enjoy the same Netflix shows but that does not mean they are a female. Likewise, someone can choose to identify as something other than female or male: non binary.

Lets not go through the whole bathroom thing again. People are people and everyone deserves the right to express themselves, be who they are, choose who they are, and live a life as happily as possible, without strange people yelling in their faces about how vaginas and penises are gender determining while ranting about a man they pray to at their bedside and follow a book that somehow will lead them to a mythical place of winged people and puffy marshmallow clouds…. but that’s none of my business.

Instead let’s think about how we can be better ourselves as people, rather than staring at your next door neighbor through your cotton doily window curtains and ponder if they’re female or male, cause bigonnet, they better be one! But seriously, there’s world hunger, global warming, obesity, and apparently One Direction is getting back together. Move on!

And incase you’re wondering why this blog post is titled “Glucose Guardian” a friend of mine came up with the term to be the non binary replacement for sugar daddy. Which I thoroughly enjoy.

The Weirdo is EVOLVING

The world is falling apart!! A weirdo couldn’t possibly possess the ability to become even more unique and weird? And self-driven? Mother of God! She has completely lost it!

Welp… The weirdo just got weirder (according to some). I have embraced my strangeness and followed the path less traveled by conformity junkies and have somehow landed myself in the process of creating an equality based clothing company while sporting my newly shaved head. Well, at least the back of my head.

The company is still being sorted out and altered; however, I am more than determined to have it come to life. The idea for the company came to be when I realized all of the different pages I was following on social media, many are only directed to a single group of people: gays, lesbians, bisexuals, the disabled, and so on. All of these pages were highly successful in empowering and otherwise raising money towards these individual groups. Many times tee shirts or other clothing needs were sold to generate profit and sported catchy slogans and presented a powerful message towards their cause.

My desire is t create a company that will somehow represent and appeal to all people, no matter size, race, gender, sexuality, disability, or any other factor. The clothing will be available for alterations to suit needs, as well as create a fun and uplifting vibe that will unite all of those that wear the clothing instead of trying to shove them in completely different corners of the room.

In the end we are all humans, no matter the circumstances or desires of our society. The clothing will be sized in both male and female sizes. In other words, anyone can purchase a tight or loose fitting tee shirt despite the overwhelming need for other companies to have them separated int eh category of male and female apparel.

The company is still extremely new and still tumbling around in my mind, but no matter what I know for a fact this company will soon come to life. Stay tuned!

Oh, To Be A Woman

A woman: a strong and powerful creature that is resilient, intelligent, and whatever the hell else they wanna be. But in the eyes of a few less gracious creatures, women are a sign of sex, submission, and objects. Today was a reminder for me that women are still far behind in reaching equality alongside males.

While watching the Olympics, anyone can hear the objectivism formed behind the announcers word choice. Female Olympic athletes’ success is given to their boyfriends, husbands, or coaches, instead of given directly to the amazing athlete who beat out majority of the world with their impeccable skills. Meanwhile, male athletes are given all of the praise for their hard work towards their skills and barely an ounce of praise is given to their coaches.

While walking on the streets this morning I was an object in the eyes of male gaze. Because of the heat advisory, this morning I decided to wear shorts… yuh know, the pants that attract male attention because of how they cover a female butt and yet reveal our legs (those obscenely sexy things that connect to a females’ naked body. Oh the horror). Okay, in all seriousness, it is expected to reach 100 degrees today and I didn’t feel like sweating it out in jeans and an oversized tee shirt.

As soon as I walked out of my apartment and saw myself in the reflection of a window, I was bombarded with an overwhelming feeling of regret. ‘I should have worn something different. There will be too much attention drawn towards me because of my washed out, high waisted shorts.’ Then I realized I was objectifying myself. I looked at my body and thought that too much of it was showing. ‘Maybe my shorts are too short and reveal too much of my jiggly thighs. Maybe my cropped shirt will blow in the wind and my navel will show. Maybe the black combat boots I’m wearing are too counterintuitive to the rest of my outfit that it will lead passerbyers to stare at me.’

I was appalled by very own reaction to what I was wearing. Just because I have decided to step out of my comfort zone and wear shorts does not mean I am breaking some figurative rule that will suddenly subject me to harassment on the street. But it did.

As I walked through the city, instantly I was facing catcalls and obscene remarks. As men drove by in their cars they honked, called out, or whistled. When I entered a cafe for breakfast, a man approached me and apologized for staring, all because I was wearing shorts. When I wore jeans and a tee shirt I experienced limited calls; however, this morning I put myself in a position that allowed men to view me as a object. A position that should not even exist. A position too many women are placed into just because they have a body and wear whatever the F…. they want.

It saddened me to know I almost reentered my apartment to change after noticing my reflection. The way someone dresses does not limit their value, and yet, while walking along the street my value diminishes to where it’s almost non-existent.

 

An Answer to the Bullies

I just posted a blog post as a kind of answer to the bullies I faced in high school on The Girl in the Boots and I truly surprised myself.

High school was not “the time of my life” as some have told me before. “Embrace these years because you’re gonna miss it.” Lies. All of it.

High school was much like the experience dolphins have in the aquarium. I was on display to be judged and all did judge me. I was forced to preform tasks outside the normal academic routine, I was laughed at, judged by my superiors, and then left alone until it was time to be on display again.

What I have since gathered from all of this is that the comments about my size, hair, voice, and body shape have been received and remain within me; however, I rose above them.

The damage they have caused can still be seen on my body today, but in the end the figurative ghost created by their taunts has diminished.

The girl who was displayed for so much judgment let the words crash with her spirit, but in the end, my spirit has only grown stronger.

To Be Continued…

…and the amateur blogger is moving forward.

Spontaneously, and probably well overdue, I have decided to create another blog to feature my long lost loves: photography, adventure, personal stories and insight, while still featuring a bit of writing.

If you, my magnificent followers (yes, I am being a suck up on purpose) are interested in following my other blog… well… then do it!!

The blog is called The Girl in the Boots, a name that came to me in the most obvious of ways. My style is a reflection of my simplistic being, strange personality, dark sense of reality, and frayed, yet lasting spirit.

Life is an adventure to wander through and these tattered boots have guided and protected my thus far. So, lets see where they lead me next.

Step Two: Remove the Bandaid

Hello readers! Due to a recent turn of events (actually, quite a few of them) I have been unable and unwilling to write on my blog. Emotions have eaten me alive that last few weeks and I did not want that to show through my blog posts which sometimes tend to be somewhat depressive already. Anywho, I am proud to announce that step two of my Ten Steps to Getting your Sh*t Together has gone into effect!!

In case you have absolutely no clue what I am talking about, my Ten Steps list is a previous post I created that is supposed to help me get out of this rut I’ve been in for years. Now that I have realized that I am able to create myself and that I deserve all the happiness in the world, I have began a journey of enlightening myself even further to get this sad girl out in the world as a new self made and happy being.

Step two of my list was one i knew I needed to get done fast because of how easily I can reason with storing things I no longer need. I wouldn’t call myself a hoarder but clothes horse seems reasonable. I’m the person that will go shopping as a way to cover up emotions. When I feel sad or depressed I go to shopping centers and wander around. There’s something about being surrounded by colorful and fun fabrics that brings a smile to my face, and being able to buy them and call them mine, it’s like I am purchasing my own bit of happiness. After a recent breakdown, I realized these clothes I have accumulated are a kind of bandaid that has been covering up a much deeper wound, and the only way to get this wound to heal is to rip off the bandaid and let it breathe.

In the beginning, going through my clothes was easy and kind of fun. I went through one by one and easily tossed them into piles to either donate or keep. The donation pile grew and grew and I became skeptical that this was even going to help, but later as I began to get into my other clothing stashes, it hit me.

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I looked at the gigantic pile of clothing on my bed and felt sick. This bandaid was larger than I thought and must have been there covering this deep wound for years. There were clothes in that pile that I have never seen before and many of them still had the tags on, and although I was ready to get rid of this pile of nonsense, I began to feel emotional from this sudden wave of vulnerability. These clothes have covered up the fact that on the inside my body is dressed in black and dark blue, a swirling mixture like a storm brewing in the sky. On the outside I am able to cover myself in bright outfits and a smile and a perky, glowing girl will shine through. getting rid of 50% of my closet means I would have less ways to hide.

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I will admit, I feel as though I should have donated more clothing than I did, but the mission of this journey is to allow myself to learn independence and grow, not completely lose myself in the process. My goal is to go back through these clothes and notice what I have not warn and get rid of it (especially those shoes… who wears that many pairs of shoes?!). There is no need to keep things for a make believe value when in reality they are just taking up space.

Once the clothes I have been piled up and placed in bags, I took them to a GoodWill and donated them. I took three large bags and one small bag overflowing with bright colors and gently worn fabrics. Seeing them go was easy, easier than putting them in piles at least. Once I had it in  my head that someone else can wear these clothes that I never paid too much time to, it made me feel proud of myself, but I’m still not done. Although I have let go of half of my closet, I still don’t feel like I have accomplished enough to be satisfied with myself. So, I will continue working through this list and see what I am capable of.

Let’s get this sad girl happy again and create her along the way.

Ten Steps to Getting Your Sh*T Together

It’s actually gonna happen.

Maybe you’ve read my recent post Find Myself? But, I’m Right Here where I jokingly expressed my need to finally get my life together and mentioned writing a ten steps list. Welp, it happened.

My hope is to go through this steps list (probably out of order), and even if I don’t fully get my shit together, at least have a better understanding and appreciation for myself.

As I mentioned in my recent post that kickstarted this list to actually take shape, I feel lost and at a complete disconnect with myself. With no clear description of who I am supposed to be, I’m flipping through pages of coloring books waiting to find the right page where I can finally start filling myself in (something I mention in my other blog Burning the Manual). This list probably, and almost without a doubt, will be far from solving all of my problems; however, it will challenge me to reach within my REAL self and pull out that passion and life that I have been missing.

So, here it is:

 

Ten Steps to Getting Your Sh*t Together (because let’s be honest, it’s about D*mn time)

  1. Realize it’s time to get your sh*t together.

Life F*ucked up? Feeling depressed? Ready to begin life anew and actually know who you f*ucking are? Ok cool, same here…

  1. Remove the band aid.

What is your safety blanket? Shopping? Staying in all f*ucking day? Hiding from your family and friends? All of the above and then some? RIP THAT SH*T OFF!!! We’re gonna do somethin’ crazy.

  1. Do something for others.

Simple acts go a long way. Give back to your community. Help the homeless. Donate money. Plant trees. Apologize to your neighbor for being psycho. But whatever you do, do it with purpose. Be driven.

  1. Embrace change.

Switch things up. Take a different route to work. Rearrange/redecorate your room, apartment, or house. Change your hair color, no matter how funky! Be open and ready for change because chances are, you’re gonna get hit with a lot of them and the best thing you can do is welcome them.

  1. Do something for yourself.

Read that book you have collecting dust on your nightstand. Open that bottle of wine and watch the entire season of OITNB. Get a tattoo. Go to the spa. Scream until your feel sane!

  1. Feed your soul.

Find your passion and let it fill you up until you feel like you’re gonna explode! Don’t know what you are passionate about? No worries. Experiment and be willing to try new experiences.

  1. Make a change to better your health.

Dump the Doritos and get back into cooking again. The better your body feels the better your soul will feel. Find yourself in yoga. Go for a swim. Run your worries away.

  1. Write about your experiences and emotions.

A journal is your best friend. Blog. Write. Reflect. Embrace your emotions and understand what’s feeling new, what needs to change, and what makes you feel absolutely amazing!

  1. Relax, meditate, and find a mental release.

Relax. It sounds easy but we all know that this step is one we move aside so we can address all the miniscule tasks that really can wait. Leave the speck on the window alone for a while and kick your feet up. Explore nature. Breathe. Awake your soul.

  1. Be proud of who you are.

It’s time we walk past the magazine racks and love our own beauty for what it is. Be like a flower. Bloom.

Find Myself? But, I’m Right Here.

“Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself in your way of thinking.” -Marcus Aurelius

“Life isn’t about finding yourself, Life is about creating yourself.” -George Bernard Shaw

I feel like I have finally reached a point of being tired of my own gloominess. Being the girl with a happy face and a tired mind is starting to become boring and far too familiar. IT’S TIME TO TURN THE PAGE!! (finally)

And now I am at that point of figuring out just how I plan on turning myself around. After scrolling through a random list of quotes I searched online, the two I added to the top of this post are what struck me and kickstarted my desire of a mental transition. In my life I have been working so hard at trying to find who I am, who I am supposed to be, and where I’m supposed to be headed, meanwhile I have the power to shape my life in any form I desire; I am drawing within figurative lines while preaching that those lines are meant to be crossed.

This morning while getting dressed I looked into my closet and realized how much stuff I have. Shoes of all different kinds while I tend to wear only Vans, shirts that I have not worn in years, and pants that don’t even fit me. How can someone have so much stuff and yet take an hour to get ready every morning? THIS is where I will start.

One thing I have recognized is that I fill my emotional void with stuff, lots of stuff, mainly clothing. If I could compress my closet down to half of its size I imagine it would release a new feeling of satisfaction of ripping of a bandaid that I used to cover up a cut that is ready to breathe! (a strange analogy, I know).

The clothing I have is far from an indicator of my personal self, and in fact I feel like my clothing is a nowhere close to being a representation of me. In many cases I buy pieces of clothing without trying them on, and when I put it on infront of my unforgiving full length mirror, they either don’t fit, look terrible, have a hidden tear that I hadn’t noticed, or I simply just don’t like it. These pieces have cluttered my closet and have given me a false satisfaction that, as I go back to that strange analogy, has covered a wound that needed something besides a band aid to help it heal.

What I do after cleaning my closets and drawers is still up in the air, maybe I should create a list. A “Ten Steps to Getting Your Sh*t Together” list. Hmmmm….. I’ll think about that one, but all in all, my goal is to finally let myself breathe and move forward.

Let the fun begin… Is it too early to start drinking?