Neverending

Where is the beginning to a never ending story?

A child sleeps in fear as a mother pats they’re back

As an attempt to reassure them the thunder is

But only the sound of drums thudding from heaven.

The blaring light is from God

Taking a photograph of the world he created.

The rain violently hitting the window when a sudden

softball size cluster of ice breaks the protective barrier

that was the only safe place left besides the child’s

mothers touch across they’re back

Is but all part of God’s plan.

 

The neverending story has no beginning,

It has no middle and will never reach a conclusive

And apparent ending.

The fear a child has will never float away

As we had wished it would along with every gust of wind

That carries more rain into the safety palace

With sticks, ice, monstrous sounds, and evil spirits.

Fear is an acquaintance and will forever live under our beds,

Watch us as we sleep, and be ready to latch onto our backs

Where our mother’s hand once laid.

Fear is the neverending story.

Ten Steps to Getting Your Sh*T Together

It’s actually gonna happen.

Maybe you’ve read my recent post Find Myself? But, I’m Right Here where I jokingly expressed my need to finally get my life together and mentioned writing a ten steps list. Welp, it happened.

My hope is to go through this steps list (probably out of order), and even if I don’t fully get my shit together, at least have a better understanding and appreciation for myself.

As I mentioned in my recent post that kickstarted this list to actually take shape, I feel lost and at a complete disconnect with myself. With no clear description of who I am supposed to be, I’m flipping through pages of coloring books waiting to find the right page where I can finally start filling myself in (something I mention in my other blog Burning the Manual). This list probably, and almost without a doubt, will be far from solving all of my problems; however, it will challenge me to reach within my REAL self and pull out that passion and life that I have been missing.

So, here it is:

 

Ten Steps to Getting Your Sh*t Together (because let’s be honest, it’s about D*mn time)

  1. Realize it’s time to get your sh*t together.

Life F*ucked up? Feeling depressed? Ready to begin life anew and actually know who you f*ucking are? Ok cool, same here…

  1. Remove the band aid.

What is your safety blanket? Shopping? Staying in all f*ucking day? Hiding from your family and friends? All of the above and then some? RIP THAT SH*T OFF!!! We’re gonna do somethin’ crazy.

  1. Do something for others.

Simple acts go a long way. Give back to your community. Help the homeless. Donate money. Plant trees. Apologize to your neighbor for being psycho. But whatever you do, do it with purpose. Be driven.

  1. Embrace change.

Switch things up. Take a different route to work. Rearrange/redecorate your room, apartment, or house. Change your hair color, no matter how funky! Be open and ready for change because chances are, you’re gonna get hit with a lot of them and the best thing you can do is welcome them.

  1. Do something for yourself.

Read that book you have collecting dust on your nightstand. Open that bottle of wine and watch the entire season of OITNB. Get a tattoo. Go to the spa. Scream until your feel sane!

  1. Feed your soul.

Find your passion and let it fill you up until you feel like you’re gonna explode! Don’t know what you are passionate about? No worries. Experiment and be willing to try new experiences.

  1. Make a change to better your health.

Dump the Doritos and get back into cooking again. The better your body feels the better your soul will feel. Find yourself in yoga. Go for a swim. Run your worries away.

  1. Write about your experiences and emotions.

A journal is your best friend. Blog. Write. Reflect. Embrace your emotions and understand what’s feeling new, what needs to change, and what makes you feel absolutely amazing!

  1. Relax, meditate, and find a mental release.

Relax. It sounds easy but we all know that this step is one we move aside so we can address all the miniscule tasks that really can wait. Leave the speck on the window alone for a while and kick your feet up. Explore nature. Breathe. Awake your soul.

  1. Be proud of who you are.

It’s time we walk past the magazine racks and love our own beauty for what it is. Be like a flower. Bloom.

Find Myself? But, I’m Right Here.

“Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself in your way of thinking.” -Marcus Aurelius

“Life isn’t about finding yourself, Life is about creating yourself.” -George Bernard Shaw

I feel like I have finally reached a point of being tired of my own gloominess. Being the girl with a happy face and a tired mind is starting to become boring and far too familiar. IT’S TIME TO TURN THE PAGE!! (finally)

And now I am at that point of figuring out just how I plan on turning myself around. After scrolling through a random list of quotes I searched online, the two I added to the top of this post are what struck me and kickstarted my desire of a mental transition. In my life I have been working so hard at trying to find who I am, who I am supposed to be, and where I’m supposed to be headed, meanwhile I have the power to shape my life in any form I desire; I am drawing within figurative lines while preaching that those lines are meant to be crossed.

This morning while getting dressed I looked into my closet and realized how much stuff I have. Shoes of all different kinds while I tend to wear only Vans, shirts that I have not worn in years, and pants that don’t even fit me. How can someone have so much stuff and yet take an hour to get ready every morning? THIS is where I will start.

One thing I have recognized is that I fill my emotional void with stuff, lots of stuff, mainly clothing. If I could compress my closet down to half of its size I imagine it would release a new feeling of satisfaction of ripping of a bandaid that I used to cover up a cut that is ready to breathe! (a strange analogy, I know).

The clothing I have is far from an indicator of my personal self, and in fact I feel like my clothing is a nowhere close to being a representation of me. In many cases I buy pieces of clothing without trying them on, and when I put it on infront of my unforgiving full length mirror, they either don’t fit, look terrible, have a hidden tear that I hadn’t noticed, or I simply just don’t like it. These pieces have cluttered my closet and have given me a false satisfaction that, as I go back to that strange analogy, has covered a wound that needed something besides a band aid to help it heal.

What I do after cleaning my closets and drawers is still up in the air, maybe I should create a list. A “Ten Steps to Getting Your Sh*t Together” list. Hmmmm….. I’ll think about that one, but all in all, my goal is to finally let myself breathe and move forward.

Let the fun begin… Is it too early to start drinking?

Looking Towards the Sun

“What sunshine is to flowers, smiled are to humanity. These are but trifles, to be sure; but scattered along life’s pathway, the good they do is inconceivable.” – Joseph Addison

I’m searching for peace and happiness on this Friday afternoon as I sit in yet another cafe, drinking tea rather than coffee, and scroll through quotes about life, sunshine, and tranquility. After spending the past few days sulking from the recent news of the Orlando shooting, I’ve decided that instead of crawling further into my battered shell, finding happiness is the greatest way to learn to roll with the punches and prove to those who wish to see us fall apart, I still will rise in a new and well-formed casting.

In a rainstorm the most powerful sight is when a sudden shock of lightning illuminates the damaged night in a heat of life, a shock of radiance, a shock of power. I will chose to be lightning in a storm that threatens a flood. I, as many others, will shake the world and continue on as a beam of energy, glowing and remaining strong.

 

Hello, I Suck

Hello, I’m a terrible blogger who will sit in front of her laptop for hours writing and rewriting posts to then later delete everything and call it a day. I feel self conscious about what I write and sometimes delete posts days later because I still feel embarrassed.

Hello, I’m a terrible blogger who will tell people I have a blog but will not give them its name because I fear criticism. When someone asks me “what do you blog about?” I freeze and quickly make something up because, although I do post short stories and poetry, I also post about personal matters that I would rather leave behind a glass screen for people who haven’t seen my face to read.

Hello, I’m a terrible blogger that will think of creative ideas for posts when I should be studying for class, then blank as soon as I put my fingers to the computer keys. I fantasize about being a well know blogger and writer, and yet my mind stumbles like my fingers stumble along the keyboard. Words get mixed up, letters appear in the wrong place, I hit the wrong punctuation key, I backspace by accident, or I add too many spaces. No wonder I can’t bring the ideas from my head to appear behind the glowing screen in front of me. They’re just being spat out in all the wrong places.

Hello, I’m a terrible blogger that has little to no confidence in myself and somehow hopes people will enjoy my writing. Being a blogger means that you have the power of self expression with the mystery of being an icon image in the corner of another’s screen, and yet, I struggle to put myself virtually out there even if it is just the arrangement of 26 letters that I create.

Hello, I’m a terrible blogger who is on the search for self-awareness, self-love, confidence, the beauty in my shadow, and that light some say they seen in my eyes. I crave a change and I feel as though I am finally ready to make that journey to so save myself, but how does one begin? It is a mystery worth solving.