I take my coffee black,
As dark and bitter as you,
And use it as a reminder
That even the harshest of tastes
Won’t last forever.
You say I’m not like you,
But why would I?
You say my words don’t match yours,
My thoughts too different and off your singular paved road.
Fuck your road.
You say I don’t dress like you,
But why should I?
The ties you wear are too tight around my neck,
The button down you gave me is stained from under my blackened hands.
Fuck your clothing.
You say I don’t blend in,
But why the fuck should I?
The act of duplication is a mystery to me,
An army of conformity stepping in unison.
Fuck your conformity.
I don’t wish to be you.
I don’t desire to blend in.
My life isn’t based around you and your roles.
Fuck your roles,
I’ll be me.
A stranger to normalcy
Is no stranger to me.
Walking on solid ground
Is unknown territory.
I crave the bumps and ridges of the mountains,
The fluidity in a field of tall grasses,
The carelessness of soaring birds
Flying freely with no sense of direction.
I paint the sky with every swish of my knotted hair.
I move mountains with every blink of my eye.
I hold my tongue despite my desire to scream;
I know you still won’t hear me.
The drumming of my heart is too loud for you to hear.
Your range cannot hit the peak of bliss
Above the shooting rays of sun
And the glisten of rain forming in clouds,
Ready to pour and nourish my spirit.
Rain down on me dear spirit —
I await your beauty to flood me and make me whole.
My hands remain open
As I wait for your fulfilling glory
When your sense of fear meets the clarity of release.
I have met release and have found comfort in her.
My mind steady and soul free.
The beauty of a flowing summer shower —
Gentle and light,
A beautiful balance in life.
I think we all have the ability to relate to music and we all have that one band or song that just makes us feel. When I was in middle school I turned to one band in particular for support as I dealt with with all the confusing and frustrating emotions that came with that age. Somehow their music carried me through losing friends, gaining anxiety, being an outcast, and helped me while I began the journey of finding myself.
After a while my favorite singer from that band left and a new singer was then introduced. For whatever reason I was unable to have the same feelings of guidance, even though their songs were still just as amazing.
Now I’m in college and experiencing a completely new set of emotions that are just, if not more, confusing than those in middle and high school. The amazing artist that got me through those early years in school and made me realize that I was worthy of happiness just released another album!
Maybe it was a coincidence, maybe it was fate, maybe it was a reminder that I have no reason to be upset with myself. Whatever the reason, I’m grateful.
Thanks for having my back Lacey Sturm.
As beautiful as a flickering star
Dripping in gold chains—
A noose choker tight around your pretty little neck.
Body in perfect form:
Boobs, butt, bronze skin.
Silky hair oozing a delectable chemical scent—
The envy of your peers with high heels stabbed in your back,
But that pretty face won’t show emotion wrapped in cellophane
With knives respectively pointed in the direction of your face.
It’ll just be a scratch, oh, but it will be worth it.
A broken heart
With a sturdy mind,
The worst combination
With a realistic disguise.
From the peak of sorrow
As happiness burrows
Under luminescent chains.
The water is cold
From under your feet,
Drown in holy water,
An effort to come clean.
But nothing will change
Or hide the ugly truth
That your emotionless mask
Is only a cracked roof
Where reality begins to seep
One drop dripping at a time,
The burning of holy mist
Where your lies churn and bind.
From inside your dark cave
A cold soul screams to confess
But the weight of these chains
Will remain until death.
She’s the calming blue among a mystifying grey,
A fighter as art burning in your fiery rage.
The blue birds sing above the mountain’s arch,
Your hand pressing on her chest as she fights for a breath,
She prepares to be dropped into a pit of regret.
As you stand and watch, miles apart,
Your love for her is an anchor disguised as a net;
You should have help her but you left her instead
To burn in your rage and to fall from your cliff.
The birds flow around as she calls your name,
Only to be covered by feathers and songs
Of the ones who found love, the kind that holds on.
It’s strange how our lives have somehow gone from being magical, colorful, and fantastic as a child, full of imagination and belief, to nothing more than black and white. Although there are many ways viewing life as black and white can be something astounding,–especially with my ties to writing and the figurative world of living in print. However, I’m talking about a life that is bleak, where we are firm believers in what we can see, never experiencing or paying mind to the forces around us that we cannot see.
While having random conversations with my roommates, friends, and regular day people I’ve come in contact with, I’ve realized that many of us wish for something greater than what we can see with our own two eyes. We have this lost sense of wonder that we wish to re-tap into, where our childhood dreams of goblins, fairies, ghosts, and spirits can be a factual reality–but how can we believe in something that we cannot see.
Many people are skeptics of any form of a greater world outside of our own (and I’m not talking about aliens). Spiritual people will tell you again and again that we have the ability to tap into our inner conscience and experience so many wonders around us that normally would never be seen. Through meditation we become one with the universe inside of us as well as around us, evolving and shaping ourselves as we move through these experiences.
It’s hard for me to believe that this world is all we have. Through our eyes we are unable to see different rays of light. With our eyes we are limited to three color receptors where some animals have twelve! With our ears we are unable to hear sounds above and below a certain frequency. How can this world be all there is (the world in which we can sense as humans) when there are so many aspects of it that we are incapable of noticing?
We need to be open to the possibility of life moving around us that we cannot sense. As humans we are amazing but still limited. We are only great because of the power we have over each other and our ways in which we show dominance and prosperity. In reality we are blind. Humans only pay attention or care about what they can see within a few feet infront of their faces. We are greedy, cold, and unimaginative walkers of this earth who have no consciousness of what happens around them while we live secluded and trapped between four walls. Break free and realize that there is more. There is always more, you just have to be open to it.
Image by me: “The Kraken”
I cut, and tear, and rip into my skin
To reveal the colors I bleed within.
The staleness of blue,
The stiffness of grey,
My tender wounds,
From my creative dismay.
Cut into my body and read what you see:
The words of my past, and present, and dreams.
Watch them flow and drip from my skin
As they drain from my soul
Hoping to begin again.
For what is blood
But the movement of life,
Flowing through veins
So easily cut with a knife?
Like a claw I am cracked
By whomever holds the mallet.
An outpour of words-
Taking flight as birds
Soring from this palace.
The simplicity of life
Is no simple fate.
Growing and changing
And dealing with hate.
For no other do I turn
Than to you for help
But you clutter my mind
And tighten the belt
That pulls in tighter and tighter,
Straining my words,
That collect in my mind;
Those poor flightless birds.
I come to the end
When my body begins to bleed,
The colors of doubt, and anxiety, and need.
From my body words flow
But never to meet paper.
A powerless fate
Of a worthless endeavor.
If you want to give me a compliment, don’t tell me I’m pretty. Don’t tell me I look skinny. Don’t tell me I’m having a good hair and skin day. Don’t tell me my outfit is “on fleek” or my makeup is stunning. Don’t tell me I look expensive.
If you want to give me a compliment, tell me I’m intelligent. Tell me my creativity is out of this world. Tell me I’m kind. Tell me I’m hardworking and ambitious. Tell me you see me going far in life. Tell me I’m a role model, but not because of my appearance, but because of my strength, power, inner radiance, mind, and intelligence.
A real compliment is one that doesn’t suggest you are beautiful and bright one day, then weak and dull the next. I go through changes, my body and skin have its ups and downs, and sometimes I prefer sweats over a blouse. My fashion sense says absolutely nothing about me. My beauty is what I hold on the inside, not what I show on the outside. My intelligence is so much more important than how skinny my body looks because I forgot to eat breakfast while I spent the morning pouring myself into a poem that I could not stop writing.
Give me a real compliment.
Don’t ask me about my makeup routine. Don’t ask me where I buy my clothes. Don’t ask me how I keep my hair so curly. If that is what you focus on then you are completely missing the real me.
Instead, ask me about my dreams. Ask me about my writing and see for yourself how much I’ve grown. Ask me about my favorite novel. Ask me about my proudest moments, but also my failures because I have grown so much since then.
Look and aspire to know the real me. The me that rests inside this body, clothed in meaningless fabric that has nothing to show for my accomplishments and dreams. There is so much more to me that you haven’t seen and THAT is the who I really am.
So give me a real compliment and get to know the real me because my outer appearance is the shell where my true self lies. If you ask the right questions you may get a glimpse into my world and see for yourself all that I have to offer.